E81DB. D for dick, D for bag

This song can't come in to work today, it's too sick

I'm going to steal a box of penguins from lapland

Awww cmon, I made u a barricade!

"I don't even know who Derek Cantona is"

You must be one of many few

 I'm just gonna say what everyone was thinking: what was I thinking.

Gluten free can kiss my ass

Don't be gay... Be straight... I am being straight with you, give me your number

Apart from you the only reason I go out is shots

Smells like fucking hippies 

The dork side

If I had all the money I ever spent on booze id spend it all on booze

How much is divorce

What am I gonna eat in Vegas ? Strippers?

Yorkshire is a real thing

I've got 6 fucking tomato plants

I am not an owl

Never squeeze a full owl

This guy, that I'm friends with is obsessed with taking photos of grannys

O FUCK! I've got to get straws

I wish I was a dj

I really hope I end up in dr martins advert

You're named after a sin

Foraging is so gay

Hey anyone! let's party!

What can you make with vodka?? Rum punch??

He basically has the physique of a watermelon, in that he's like blonde

- Get in the wardrobe!

- No. I have to go for a piss before I do that

Wait. Is this the story of yesterday? Because I don't need to hear it, I was there 

My mums a man! I mean human

Checkin out the wares!

I dont even know what he looks like sober

Ive fucking had 5 chewing gums

I wanna see it closely with my eyes closed

I liked you better when I was in love with you

My thing is to work more than the others to show them how useless they are

Force yourself to smile, and you'll soon stop frowning

Is mummy on tinder?

Enjoying 3 of his favourite things all at the same time: resting, dressing up and attending a music festival.

I'm more in love with anyone than him

-what is this?

-Kenny G

-It sounds like a scented candle

Who are those people, and why?

It's been a weird couple of 48 hours

I waxed my knee this morning

Another one of those 'slept in my knuckleduster' nights

Some people say they are a wino... I'm a wine-yes

Getting your hair noticed just got even easier!

I went to to The Dove. It was like 'Tinder': the movie